Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
