apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
