i think i have two assholes
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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