you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize