dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
