I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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