Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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