I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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