If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
