my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
