well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
