Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
