well I can't set my house on fire every night
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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