At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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