On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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