just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
