So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
high people should be assigned attendants
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
