I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
