I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
