I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
