The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize