i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
