I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
