Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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