worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
