is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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