im having a threesome with these popsicles
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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