I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
