I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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