i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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