hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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