You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
