Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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