Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
