Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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