I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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