he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
