my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
