In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
