haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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