I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
