opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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