I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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