Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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