So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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