just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
