So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
what the fuck happened to the tacos
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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