I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
