I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
