I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Is it because I queefed?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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