You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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