she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
