Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
