I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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