she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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