I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
