I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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