Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
