Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
