So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
